The Midnight News
Dude, please don't go. You'll be leaving us with nothing but cheap imitators, like Larry Csonka, You may or may not know he had his own countdown recently. Counted down to his own 1,000th column. That guy is complete wank. Absolutely full of himself, with nothing to back it up. I know it's below you and all, but can you rip him a bit before you leave? Or maybe I could just stop reading him…
Ash.
Months ago, in this column, on this site DEDICATED to Indy wrestling, I BEGGED someone to tell me about Csonka's so-called "wrestling career"... to date, I've received nothing.
Sorry, the only fakers I deal with are wrestlers with AIM accounts.
Your columns have entertained me very much over the years and I want to get you something to show my appreciation. I know posting your wishlist is a Scooterish thing to do but I'm probably not the only reader who wants to give you something in return. Also: don't quit.
PK
Don't worry about getting me something. Part of the legacy is that is was free labor.
Hiya Fanboys. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. See that light? I do.
Funny thing about having a finite number of columns left is that I can't put off stuff until the next one... because there isn't going to be a next one... well, there IS but... you know...
Before we proceed (and it is JAMMING this week), I present to you this thought... to carry with you as you live out life as a wrestling fan. I've italicized it so you know its important:
When do you stop being a mark and start being a regular human being to the eyes of someone in the business? When you stop letting them work you.
Think on that, a'while. In the meantime...
THERE'S A RUMBLE IN MY PANTS... YOU'RE INVITED!!
It was a good show, I thought. LOVED the last ten minutes.
Did you know, it was ten years ago that HBK and the Undertaker worked their FIRST feud together? Three PPV matches, all won by Michaels
And now, ten years later... look at the last two Rumble participants... a little sad, don'tcha think...
Anyway... being that this is my LAST pay per view... let's do it in a CLASSIC style... Oh no, no,
NO... not as a Mop-Up... HA HA, you silly...
Of course, the Classic style is to take someone else's recap and get rid of one third of the alphabet... and just to really get you to scroll, I'll also translate it into a different language...
GIBBERISH, BABY!!!
leiches 1: s Hs ee MM
- ie Msse s fü s Hs, wähe s leiche tewes ehielt. Mttes tie, zm vo vo oe z ehlte, m es mit ihm we z beie, be ito b mtt eie Pel Hboob. Qecsilbe etiettiete i fh fot, Mometm mit eiem fcebste übe seiem ie z eichte. ito- ie etiettiet zetümmetes mttes im Mittelteil. Mttes tie, zm s e Ece hes z ämpfe, be ito- ch echts testützt ihm züc i ie Ece etiettietes Qecsilbe. ie Msse s fü obstes, s Stee vo oe ew eff etiettiete, s i e i mit eiem slishot Mltiestoß f Qecsilbe m. ito- e mb schließlich ehlte, be eff vefie sich ih mit eiem meehte tomtopfe oppeltem Beitopfe i e Leistebeeich. Mttes ie etiettiet f eiem oppeltücseite Wielstüc- Fsttopfe ombiiet mit eff eschlosse. Qecsilbe veschte, z testütz seies Ptes, be z mttem z omme flleelsse ihm mit eiem vetile splex. Mttes eschlosse mit eiem ecbee f ito-, be oh m ch echts züc mit eiem hte Schß zm iefe. Qecsilbe etiettiete i fh fot, übe obstem w/chees z beite. ie Msse, ie "Sie ese wi, se" MM. ito züc ie etiettiet mit eiem eopäische ppect bevo em Eossel eschlosse mtt übe em zweite Seil. oh veieelte sich f eiem stzlste. obstes ebilet es z seie Füße, be ito betzte eie hohe iehebe, m Mometm beizbehlte. Qecsilbe etiettiete ie zählte ei oppeltes Temfcebste mit ito. oe bchte obstes setzt fot, m we f obstem esicht z mme. Ei efoltes zm clotheslie, ls MM we i e esmtstee. Qecsilbe veieelte sich f eiem hitee fceloc. obstes eämpft züc z seie Füße, be Qecsilbe stieße ih züc z e Mtte ch s H. oe i zm zweite Seil veschte fü eie Wielstüctopfe, be obstes veschobees etiettietes eff. eff säbete Hs vefi sich ito mit eiem fsplte-split-lee fcebste fü eie he Fll. E folte mit em Flüste im Wi fü eie ee he Fll, be oe bch e Stift Vesch. Mtt m z ett ließ Qecsilbe mit eiem ücseitie splex flle. s Hs schl ei oppeltes splex f ito i bis z e obee Seile e eeübelieee Ece. Sie ie fü e Fll Ome we mttes ezählt mit seiem Beitopfe, ito seie ie obe f Spitze effs ehielt. Qecsilbe m heei fi , übe Mittelteil effs z beite. oe ezählt mit eiem lfee iehebe fü eie he Fll. eff veschte, seie Ece z ele, be Qecsilbe testützte ih i ie Feseece. ito ie etiettiet f eiem lfee iehebe i e Ece eschlosse. ito etetees obstes im m im etiettiete Qecsilbe. MM schl eie oppelte Beitopfe, e zm Mittelteil z ehle effs ombiiet ist. Qecsilbe weete eie Tille Veieel , be eff ämpfte hes zählte eie he Fll mit eiem oll-p. oe blieb f ihm, obwohl, fotefhe, übe em Mittelteil z beite. ito ie etiettiet eiem oppelte tbste mit oe ezählt. oh vefi schließlich sich eff i eie öpeschee. obstes eämpft s em Eiflß hes, be ito betzte ei voees fceloc, m ih z hlte übewe. eff bewo i icht i icht seie Ece Schitt fü Schitt fot, be z ito züc ehlte ihm. obstes ebliebe mit ihm leicht eschleem ito übe seiem opf, m e heiße mb z bile, be oe lete e Hiweis b. e Hiweis mißbillite so e mb z mttem. MM tzte s fh fot, eff z lolisiee. itotie, zm eie ee lfee iehebe i e Ece zschließe, be eff ücte Qecsilbe i e Weise e Bewe. obst bilete e heiße mb z mttem, s heeim Hs säbete. E vefi sich MM mit eie ombitio Blloe eiem clotheslie mit eiem Wielstüctopfe we vom zweite Seil f ito ezählt. MM ew züc i fü eiße Schß, be eff iff ei. s Hs vefi sich Qecsilbe mit Poesie i e Bewe. Sie veschte, sselbe z ito z t, be oh veschob vefi sich mttes mit eiem Übesch oll-p fü eie he he Fll. Mtt m mit e Tosio es Schicsls f ito züc. Qecsilbe mttes eämpft z ßeseite, be eff ehielte e blie mb schle ie Swto Bombe f ito fü e ewi.
s Hs besiete MM bei 15:27. (Bewet CMV1 *** ¼) (me CMV1 wilich tes mb-Mschftleiches..., s iese vie fotfhe, wm s mbwie z zeie, e Escheie viel hizfüe )
Bühe hite em Voh, ell, Tie e le Te ließe ie Poltezhlzeich lfe. ell stellte sich vo, m z me, wähe e i e m i. Oto i i flitete mit ih, chem übe ihem me lsti mchte. Oto ste, ß e übe em obee Seil wiee hete be wefe wüe. wollte Zhl Otos sehe. E ste, ß "ich Ihe be zeie, we Sie zeie mi Ih." öi Booe i ie tt sei ltes "eläe mi, ß Sie icht ee s" ctchphse ste.
Ei Bilschim, e s Test-Lshle leiche hpi ist, we... ezeit
leiches 2: ECW Meiste-Schpo Lshle ee Test - eie Festle be ih we vo... eie ltmie Festle.
Test testützte Lshle i ie Ece smce Schpo. Lshle hm z felich icht z ihm z epctem Test z Mtte. Test m züc wf Lshle ehle zest übe em zweite Seil. E eosselte Schpo mit seie fl testützte ih i ie Ece fü eie eihe ücseitie Wielstüc Smshes. Lshle m mit eiem T-oche splex eiem vezöete vetile splex züc. Test ollte z ßeseite, m seie Fss wieezewie. e swi Spiele ehielt züc im i ücte Lshle, s f em Schtzblech w, i e ipfoste. Züc im i, zählte Test eie he Fll veieelte sich f eiem mb. ie Msse w iesem Pt echt tot. Lshle schließlich ehielt seie Füße, be e Test, e mit eiem mbee übe seie Schlte ezählt we weete s mb wiee . Test b sei ie i Schlte es Schpos veieelte och eiml sich f em mb. Lshle ämpfte züc z seie Füße wiee schloß eie ücseitie öpetopfe . E folte mit eie eihe lfee Schlteschübe i e Ece i fü eie Beämpfepessell, be vepfscht ihm veft e Schlteveletz. Test schieb mit eie lfee osse fl fü eie he he Fll oss. E i fü s TO, be Lshle wiespch zählte mit eiem Bch-z-Bch splex. Püfe Sie bl chhe eollt z ßeseite. e Hiweis zählte ih hes.
Lshle iff ih wf ih züc i e i. Schpo flleelssee Test mit eiem lfee poweslm. Lshle behielt e Titel übe zähle-hes bei 7:10. (Bewet CMV1 *) (CMV1 me lsm, lweilies leiches mit Weise z wei le f solch ei zes leiches. iese zwei, chem sie sie esehe hbe, zweiml etzt z wie, ftioiee icht t zsmme bche, ihe Chemie z vebesse, we sie iese Fehe hlte möchte z ehe) Bühe hite em Voh, ei oto übepüfte s oh Ce, m sichezstelle, ß sei bome o w. Vice McMho i ie est chte e icht, ß Ce i e LeSEI wüe, e Titel z behlte.
Ei Bilschim, e s leiche He ee-Btist hpi ist, we... ezeit
leiches 3: Welthevweiht Meiste Btist ee He ee
- Fotschitte ee sewichee Btists, be pßte i eie Veieel obe z ihm ehielte i e Mitte übe e i eüct. Btist testützte ih i ie Ece, be ee, s hite ie Seile ect we b ihm eie peiswete Schß zm ie. e ollte ih obe fü eie schelle he Fll, be Btist testützte ih i ie Ece wiee vefi sich ih mit eiem Schlteschb. He ee, s mit eiem me zm e, be ezählt we, Btist me mit eie osse fl eiem vetile splex züc. ee ollte z ßeseite Btist folte. Hiebe wfe ih i e il, be ee m züc wf Btist i ie Sthlschitte. Btist, sei ie bevoze, betzte eie Schwll e st veeifchte Hl (ücseiti im i) m Mometm z eichte. ee i züc z beit übe s ie, obwohl, eichtet etws Mometm vo seie Selbst. e Hesfoee veweete eie beite eihe Bewee z beit es ies es Meistes. ee veieelte sich f eie üctbelle vie e t (ette schee Bewe). Btist eiff ie Seile, m e Eiflß z beche. e hielt, übe em ie z beite ehielt ch e Hiweis vewt. We sei lip/ose espet ist, öffe Sie sich, ee, s mit zwei lfee ieschläe ezählt wi ewb eie he Fll. E schleppte Btist z Mitte es ies veieelte sich f eie hlbe Bosto bbe. Btist ämpfte fü ziemlich eie Weile, bevo e i icht z e Seile Schitt fü Schitt fotbewo. ee schleppte ih züc z e Mitte es ies, lso Btist, s ch eollt we übeschte ee mit eiem oll-p fü eie he Fll. Btist veschte, mit eiem poweslm z fole, be ee wiespch schl em Bei wiee . ee veschte, Mometm vollstäi wieezewie, be Btist vefi sich ih mit eiem spiebste. Btist ehielt obe mit eie eihe clotheslies Stellücseite öpetopfe befeet. E vefte ie ieveletz schloß beholfe eie öpell . e Meiste folte mit eiem olle Seto Topfe velte s sitze-hes powebomb. ee spete Btist im ie, m e EBB-Vesch z beche beeete hef s lopfe übe em Hiweis. e Hesfoee, e mit eiem ecbee, be efolt we, e Hiweis ote icht e Zählimpls bile. E folte mit eiem T fü eie he he Fll. ie Msse s fü ee, s zm zweite Seil i, s ch eiem clotheslie scht. Btist wiespch schl eiem clotheslie vo seie Selbst. s Ee m, ls e Meiste s pifll zählte, s e Btist Bombe folt.
Btist behielt e Titel bei 10:30. (Bewet CMV1 **) (me CMV1, ie es sie htte, ist beholfee Momete, be sie veschte efiitiv, ei tes leiches z hbe. ee wilich läzte ew Übeschß ie Phsemsse mit seie Bemühe. Btist w chlässi, be m Ee es Tes stellte es z z eiem chschittliche Meisteschftleiche leich. Ich we tehlte)
Bühe hite em Voh, evi o iel veließe s zeichee Sche e Poltezhl so lüclich, wie ihe Bchstbe öe. Bst wei m heei eiff eie el, vemtlich fü Fil. Tie bilete eie schle me, lso iff s lbs ih biß sei Oh. oßes hli i ie foete s lbs f, m we z lfe. E veschte, meh ls eie el z ehme. ell hob ie zwei el f, ie hli flleließ ste, ß sie ie ößte el we, ie sie übehpt ehlte we. Fooq i ie fü seie veflchte teschift "!"
"ie Mie" ommt hes f V iese iest... Speichel w i e Msse hete be...
Ei Bilschim, e s Ce-m stehee leiche es letzte Mes hpi ist, we... ezeit
leiches 4: Letzte M-Stehees leiches: WWE Meiste oh Ce ee m (mit mo leo Est)
- sie stte sich ieewefe , wähe ie öffee loce l. m ücte e Chmpio, be Ce m mit eie eihe chschläe züc. Ce wiespch eiem öpell i ei wbee, be m spete ih im m so st, ß es e Chmpio z ßeseite schicte. m lochte Ce we vom Schtzblech folte ihm z ßeseite. ie Smo Pliepe wf e Chmpio i ie Sthlschitte. ls ie Msse s fü Ce, e Hiweis, e bis füf ezählt we. Ce eeichte Füße, be m lochte ih sofot hef ie Ei mpe. e Chmpio feete züc b lochte m züc z em isie Beeich. Ce wf m esicht-estes i s Schtzblech, be m schl züc schell mit eiem schelle bc-he Schl zm m . e Hesfoee b em Chmpio ei hebtt eie Stoß zm Mittelteil. m schl Ce i e ücseite , bevo e seie Schlte i e m es Chmpios fh. Ce ämpfte züc mit eie fl zm esicht, be m ließ ih mit eiem clotheslie bl chhe flle. e Hiweis zählte bis sechs, bevo Ce ih z seie Füße bilete. m boslmme e Chmpio holte e Obeteil e Sthlschitte vo e ßeseite züc. stz Ce ehee ms übe em obee Seil, eiffe ie Sthlschitte wf sie beim Smo (we f e ßeseite w). Hochot! ie Schitte vefie sich m im esicht. e Hiweis zählte bis sechs, bevo m ih z seie Füße bilete. Ce i, chem e mit eie eihe es Mit eie ele schles chbet. Züc im i, ew m Mometm mit eiem spiee stoß wiee. E i züc z beit übe Mittelteil Ces mit eie feste mm. e Chmpio ämpfte, m eie Eiflß z velsse, be m b ihm ei Bch-z-Bch splex s e feste mm hes. m i ße eiff s ee Teil e Sthlschitte, ls e Hiweis, e bis cht ezählt we. Ce elte seie Füße, ie Msse s, ß sie Tbelle wüschte. m poppe teesse ie Sthlschitte ee s Spschloß. E lete Ce obe ee sie i sitzee Positio i fü seie lfee hitee Schl. Ce veschob schwe zäliches, obwohl seete e Hesfoee züc-este i e Sthl. e Chmpio fh z espetem m im opf mit e Schitte fot, ie ffoe sechs-zähle vom Hiweis. Ce i zm obee Seil i fü eie Flieeez-öpebloc, be m vefi sich ih schl ih z Mtte mit ippe-ei-tilt--whil Felse-teseite z. m veweete eie eihe es Spies e Bzi Topfe, m übe Mittelteil Ces z beite, be e i bis s wohle z viele Mle. Ce ehielt seie ie obe f em letzte Vesch folte mit em esicht eies Betieb Thowbc ieses eseete ms i ie Schitte. e Chmpio folte mit em Pototp, e züc Topfe f ie Schitte s füf öchel-Schlfe spit. Ce i fü s F, be ote icht seie EBB wee es veletzte Mittelteils chfühe. e Hiweis zählte bis cht, be ei etzt blties Ce bilete ih z seie Füße. Ei "Ce st" sie schellte hes fü ze Zeit, be ie Vetiltoe es Chmpios, ie mit eiem leie "Ce" wiespoche wee, sie. m lochte Ce, bis e Chmpio z Mtte fiel. e Hiweis zählte bis cht, bevo Ce ih z seie Füße bilete. ellieees Ce sit sbch. Ce ehielt schließlich obe befeet, be m hielt ie Mometmveschieb mit eiem Smo Topfe (lete icht t ch icht). m i fü ie Smo Spitze, be Ce blociete sie. s Smo hebtte e Chmpio hi ih obe im Bm es Elees i e Ece. m i fü ei lfees hebtt, be Ce, s obe esesse we, zm obee Seil elettet w mit eiem eäete Fliee hm-Esel-äh ezählt w. Ce wf m Schlte-estes i e ipfoste i z ßeseite, eie Fesehppt Moito z ehlte. e Chmpio spete m im opf mit em Moito. m bilete ih z seie Füße ch cht-zähle, be Ce lopfte ih s em i hes. Ce folte veschte fü oppeltes xt-fsse we vom Schtzblech, be m vefi sich ih fh ih i e ipfoste. e Hesfoee esetztes Ce obe f em ECW veüe Tbelle. E i übe zm ohe Tbelle his, sp vo ihm zm S Tbelle flo we vom Sche ch eiem Spitze ch Ce ie ECW Tbelle. eoch bewo seete Ce em letzte zweite m, s ot ch ie Tbelle ohe eis spitzt, m seie Fll z polste. e Hiweis zählte bis e, be m bilete ih z seie Füße. Ce schte etmtit, E bchstäblich s obee Seil etfete, m ie ipfoste i e Ece heszstelle. m spete teesse Ce im m. E veschte, s etfete Spschloß ls Wffe z betze, be Ce cte sie ließ e Hesfoee mit em F flle. E lopfte schwe zäliches mo spete m mit em vohe ewähte Spschloß. ie Msse seie me s, eosselte Ce m mit em obee Seil. e Hiweis be seie Zählimpls, be m st f. Ce eosselte m mit e Seile och eiml. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10!
Ce behielt e Titel bei 23:20. (Bewet CMV1 ****) (me CMV1 Flch! ie w chs eie eicsvolle Bemüh vo iese ele. Sie ehielte etiv em iff i seiem vollste mf veweet. e obee Seilbb w eie e etivee Sche, ie ich i ei iffleiches i eie le Zeit esehe hbe)
Ei Westlemi Pomo, e ie iämpfe blitze züc z ihe iheit Miephtsie ezeichet, we ezeit.
Bühe hite em Voh, Sm m i ehlte seie Zhl, te ei Bie sich zschle im esicht mit eiem Sip Stoc. ic espü m i ehlte seie Zhl. ell ie ECW ivs fie , f ih mit e Lichte z tze, ie te eeht we. s espü, s s "elsse wi, FLEHE!" ie öi vebiee BL s Cole z Hilfe beee s öiliche Polte... Ei Bilschim, e ie eschichte es öiliche Poltes hpi ist, we... ezeit
leiches 5: s öiliche Polte-leiche - ic espü w s Eitetee #1. Fil w # 2. Sie veieelte sich obe, we Fil ei heloc eeift. Sie veieelte sich obe wiee, mit Fil Schtztäe espü i ie Ece em mme we f em Chmpio 16-time. espü m mit eie eihe Messescheiehiebe züc. Fil wiespch mit eiem ücseitie öpetopfe veschte, es t Bo. espü ehte Fils ie e z beseitie vemie ewofe z wee. e st w ie fole. E ehielt sofot mehmls ch espü ehct. Fil vefi sich espü mit eiem lfee tem s iewo hes. e Ie, e vescht we, m e schell z beseitie, be, st hielte f em espü, s vescht we, m ll z wefe, be, Fil e, ie ehlte we. Mttes obstes w #4 i ch e. E zählte mit e ebewi, ls espü fst beseitites Fil. Mttes fst ewofees e, be st hielte ch ie Zehe seie fle. obst Fil pßte obe i Ec eiem zsmme, wähe espü e obe i e eeübelieee Ece zsmmepßte. Mttes fst ehbtes Fil etleete übe ie Obeseite, # 5 heeim. chbohte espü Fil. E veschte, mtt eie Ste, be obstes wiespoche eschle z ebe e Tosio es Schicsls. espü ollte z ßeseite eiff eie Sthl, m f z vewee. e lopfte e Sthl s em i hes. st teme wefe bis s espü, me übeschtes e beseitit ihm. Tomm Täme w ie fole e lete sofot i s Bm-vo-Ele. Fil ließ Täme mit eiem spiee clotheslie flle. Mtte fst beseitite i Ec eiem, wähe Täme fst ehielt, schob im ee his. Sb w s folee Eitetee e ehielt eie Tbelle hes vo tehlb es ies stellte sie obe f e ßeseite ei. E i ch Täme, sobl e im i ehielt ei Spbett T vepfschte. beitete teesse übe Fil. ie Msse s fü Sb. beseitite fst Fil, ls obstes fst elopftes hes Sb. CH ECHTS ie Meiste eo Helme ch obstem, chem sie ls s 8. Eitetee heeieomme we. Sb wf fst Fil, be e Ie, e f em Schtzblech elet we. Täme veschte, , ls Helme z wefe, ie vescht we, m obstes hiszschiebe. Fil ehltees Sb im Feewehm te Positio vesche, m ih übe e Obeseite z wefe, be Sb, s ehlte wi. Sb veschte , Helme z beseitie. Shelto Bemi w fole i ch echts, f obstem z beite. E veschte , Täme z wefe obst (bei teschieliche eleeheite). We sie beseitit woe we, wüe sie hef s chlfe Tbelle Sbs beeet hbe. eoch ehlte fü liebes Lebe vemieee Beseiti. obstes tie, zm vo vo Fil z wefe. -Helme, Sb-Täme Shelto-Mttes z obe zsmmeepßt eämpft lle übe em i. e w s 10. Eitetee. E säbete Hs i ch ee. e b Helme ei ettes poweslm, met ei choeslm beseitite Täme. E veschte, Sb z beseitie ßeem be Sb wiespch. e schließlich ehielt Sb f em Schtzblech b ihm ei choeslm ch ie Tbelle beseitite ih im Pozeß. Cm P w # 11. E i ch . Fil i ch echts ch P beseitite ih fst. e tt fst s Shelto. Cm P b eie lfee iehebe i e Ece veschte, ih übe z wefe. Fil b eie Vole hm P i iff. öi Booe w hef zächst. Booe i ch Helme beseitite e CH ECHTS Chmpio. E stellte seie blic f P ei veschte, ih z beseitie. Fil obstes teesse vescht, m e z wefe. e vemie leicht Beseiti eosselte Fil mit seie fl. Booe Shelto veschte, P z beseitie. W s folee Eitetee veüct, be e fiel schell Opfe z e iffe es. ie osse ote Mschie ehte seie fmesmeit zm . obst Bemi bebeitete e veücte Übeschß, wähe Booe Fil ihe ospee ivlität eeete. obstes eff w hef zächst. s Hs teme obe b Fil ei oppeltes splex. Sie be ei oppeltücseite Wielstüc-Fst Topfe-olle ombiietes Seto. W ih folees Opfe veüct, sie ihm eie ombiiete ücseitie Topfe be. e veschte, em Hs ei oppeltes choeslm z ebe, be sie wiespche testütze ihm i ie Ece fü Poesie i e Bewe. Sm w s 15. Eitetee e m ch ie Msse heei. Eie Stoc sübe, spete e Sm ee, s e sehe öte, bis Booe ih schell beseitite. eff ethätete ie tze, ls Fil veschte, ih übe e Obeseite z wefe. Cm P tt sselbe. Oto w hef zächst. Oto teme beseitie bis veüctes. schl mttes obstes mit seiem eizitie bcbee. ie mbchmpioe beseitite s Hs. ehte seie fmesmeit zm P, Oto ch Shelto i. Booe Fil teme bis zm Vesch wefe s e. Beoit w s folee Eitetee. e S Chmpio i ch Fil, Oto mit Messescheiehiebe. E i ch Booe, bevo e Fil ei etsches splex b. teesse htte Bemi P eeli f em Schtzblech. Booe veschte, sich Beoit mit em ombiiete Stoß seies mschlüssels z vefe -hes, be Beoit wiespch i ei etsches splex. Fil veschte, Beoit z wefe, be s Cipple, s f P beseitite ehe we fst, Shelto. V w hef zächst. E i mit eiem Schwll vo Stöße vo teschläe wil. ie Msse s fü V m, ls e ewofee öi Booe. Booe m ie züc b e ei spiees Bei lit eie xtstoß. E beseitite e illel, be es zählte. Iee Oe we hef zächst. Booe fh fot, bei e f e ßeseite we z hmme. Iee Oe ie ch . Oto-P, Fil-Beoit-V lle O--Shelto we i eie i eeübelieee Ece miteibezoe. Iee Oe ehte seie fmesmeit z Oto. ito oh w # 20. E veschte, V m, be V z wefe ehe. Iee Oe ie ch P, ie mbchmpioe obe f ito teme. Shelto ehielt fst beseitit ehlte, be f s tee Seil mit seie eechte Zoll e Füße etfet vom Fßboe. evi o w fole wi ie ch Shelto. Iee Oe beseitite fst V, mit eie wei Hilfe vo ito, be V m wiespch veschte z e clotheslie iee Oe übe e Obeseite. Fil w im i fü 30-mites ewese. ito zählte ei opic f Bemi. Stechplme w # 22. Shelto veschte, ei slishot, m V z beseitie, be V m z vewee, ie fü liebes Lebe ehlte we. teesse veschte ee, iee Oe z beseitie. HB w hef zächst. E vefi sich Fil mit eie Lo Thesz Pesse b ihm eie meehte tomtopfe, bevo e ih übe e Obeseite wf. ee teme sost beseitie bis iee Oe. HB beseitite Shelto. Stechplme i ch Michels. Chis Meiste we s folee Eitetee. Meiste ie ch V. Steepflichti-O teme bis zm Vesch immt HB hes. Beoit beseitite ito. HB hm Stee es es i e Ece. Meiste ie ch P. o Beoit fie z ämpfe. Steepflichtie-O wieeewoee Stee f HB. Chvo eeo w hef zächst. E i ch Meiste, Beoit s o wf. Stechplme veschte, Beoit z beseitie. P V fe sich f em Spschloß i eie e Ece. HB teesse htte Stee vo Steepflichtiem-O eomme. Chvo vefee Meiste mit eiem eopäische ppect. MVP w #26 e fiel schell Opfe z eie Beoit HB oppelte Mschft. V opice Meiste übe em obee Seil, m ih z beseitie. BL ief Mstes ei ot . P f sich f em Schtzblech, s ch Oto ehmmet ehält. Clito m lücliche # 27, ie Eit Zhl e ie meiste Poltesiee heei. Es b 11 Mäe im i. V wf fst HB, be Michels, s f em Schtzblech elet we. Chvo V m veschte, ih, be HB hes z tete, s fü liebes Lebe ehlte we. Oto mechisch eppelt obe f Clito. hli w hef zächst ee ehielt sich blciet, m ih zeife. V m we leicht vo e Weise hiseschobe. hli b ee visiee ie ei hebtt, ie Msse f ihe Häe sß. ie Msse b hli bchstäblich lletio. ichtsestoweie veweete hli seie Möehieb, m ee estliche Spest hes z lopfe. hli fh fot, Stechplme, Beoit, Miz (s 29. Eitetee), V, P, Clito Chvo z beseitie. HB hm hli i iff, be e osse M b ihm sei choeslm. behme w s Eitetee #30. hli st im i wtete behme. ee sost l hem. behme i ch hli b ihm lles, s e htte. hli be, züc z ämpfe i fü s choeslm, be behme lochte ih i icht z e Seile beseitite ih. s em i z elopft hite Oto, MVP weite. E b MVP s lte Schleobeseite Seil clotheslie beseitite ih. MVP holte eie Sthl i e i. Oto eiff e Sthl spete behme mit ihm. Oto behme tte, übesetzte obe fü ie Ste. Wähe i icht z Oto lief, ehte sich hem hielt e Sthl. Sie metiete mitte i em i. HB m obe hite Oto, be setzte ih schell te mit em O.
Steepflichties-O mppiet ie ch behme, HB te em tee Seil s em i hes ollte. Oto pmmele behme wfe zsmme f, be s em m züc i fü ei oppeltes choeslm. Steepflichties-O wiespoche, be behme bliebe mit ihm be ihe ei oppeltes clotheslie. behme vefi sich mit Schlee (i e Ece) eie lfee osse fl. E veschte , Oto ei choeslm z ebe, be vefi sich ih mit eie Ste. eiff eie Sthl spete behme zwische e e. HB w och f e ßeseite. eiff eie ee Sthl Steepflichties-O, ie em em fü ei cochito festellt we. HB m züc beseitite Oto . behme HB beie lete f ihe ücseite. Wähe behme obe sß, ippe HB obe! ete w espetes eöffetes. HB veschte sei bestes, m Stee z ehme, be behme vefi sich ih mit eiem ppect ieses fst eseete Michels übe em obee Seil. Michels m mit eie eihe Hiebe züc. behme wf ih i ie Ece seete e Michels Fss-übe-opf, e i e Ece leicht schlät. Michels beeete obe f em Schtzblech. behme veschte, sich ih mit eie lfee osse fl z vefe, m ih zm Fßboe z lopfe, be HB bewo. behme we obe f em Schtzblech feti. HB veschte, ih we z lopfe, be behme vefi sich ih mit eiem ücseitie Wielstüc. Michels behme helte Bewee. behme veschte, HB übe e Obeseite, be Michels z wefe elet f em Schtzblech. Shw lettete zm obee Seil, be behme tf ih obe ot. Sie ämpfte Zh--el schelte hi he. HB fiel fst zm Fßboe. Michels ämpfte züc lopfte behme z Mtte. HB flo we vo e Obeseite ließ s Wielstüc flle. E übesetzte obe fü süsse i-Msi. behme blociete s speic b ihm ei choeslm. s em silisiete fü ie Fizzeie. ie Msse s fü HB. Michels wiespch e Fizzeie bohte ih mit em Spestoß! ieses ist oß! HB übesetzte obe fü eie ee Stoß, be behme cte es veweete Mometm HBs, m ih z see ceei übe em obee Seil zm Fßboe.
ete ew s öiliche Polte bei 56:21. (Bewet CMV1 **** ¼) (me CMV1, ie eie Hölle eies bschließee 8-mites w. Ich icht ei tehltees Ee zm Polteleiche eie . behme HB be es ihe lle i ee bschließee Mite hlfe wilich, z ehöhe, ws ich w ei es ewöhliches Polteleiches chte)
ft Eit
1) es espü-2) Fil 3) e 4) mttes obstes 5) es -6) es Täme-7) Sb 8) e Helm-9) Bemi 10) e 11) o Pzsz12) Booe 13) veüctes 14) eff obstes 15) es Sm-16) Oto 17) Beoit 18) V 19) e O-20) es ito21) 22) ete e Stechplme-23) HB 24) e Meiste25) Chvo 26) MVP 27) Clito 28) hli 29) Miz 30) ft e Beseiti 1) Helme6) es Sm-7) Veüctes 8) eff 9) Mttes 10) Booe 11) e 12) Fil 13) e O-14) Shelto 15) ito16) es espü-2) e 3) es Täme-4) Sb 5) o 17) e Meiste18) e Stechplme-19) Beoit 20) Miz 21) V 22) es P-23) Clito 24) Chvo 25) hli 26) MVP 27) Oto 28) 29) HB SIEE: ETE
Bühe hite em Voh Sits Iteviews - (Bewet CMV1 ** ¾) (me CMV1 es ls s Semet mit Oto--öi Booe, iese we wee hie och ot) 0-1.5 Stee = chfe eie ücesttt ehme icht icht fü eie twot. We es ieses Schlechte w, sollte sie Sie zhle, m ie folee zwei PPVs fzpsse, miestes. (oße meiische heftie Schl 2005) weete 1.75-2.25 Stee = te chschittlichem PPV, s icht wet s el w, s fpsse f. (oße meiische heftie Schl 2006) 2.5-2.75 Stee = ei chschitt zm obe ete chschittliche Fll, e w, f iese eebee cht fzpsse. (meo 2006, evoltio 2007 es ee hes) 3.0-3.25 = wilich, s tes Escheie ist, s Sie wiee (foive 2006, ei swe 2006) 3.5 = ieses fe f V fpsse wüe, wie PPV et wee sollte (öiliches Polte 2005) 3.75-5.0 = Sie chte ie, ß ei PPV ieses te sei öte... öiliche bschließee ebe es Polte-2007's = *** (me CMV1 ieses w eies hellv Escheies s Öff mbleiche, s stehee leiche es letzte Mes s öiliche Polte. ee ei leiche te s Escheie felich bilete ieses PPV seh viel wet ie Eiicht. Hölle, eoß ich ee ei leiche e z, wo ich mich sehe öte, ieses PPV f V ei T schließlich z besitze. Meie Ewte we mil, lso i ich ie seh efüllte Weise)
Okay then... IF you can tell me which language I put this in and IF you can tell me exactly WHO I stole this from... you get a very special prize! GO TO IT, LOSERS!!
GENTRY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
Doug Gentry died this week. And knowing who he is will tell you all you need to know about how hardcore a fan you are.
I never heard of the guy before he died, but apparently, he was a nice fellow, and he booked ROH, and he helped Feinstein do those shoots.
Wow, droppin' like flies around here... yet Goodman still lives... amazing.
RIP Doug Gentry... we hardly knew yee... well, I hardly knew yee, at least...
SAD TRUTHS AND OTHER OBSERVERATIONS
This all started over the last few weeks.
First, Russo was rehired by TNA, so he was back into the forefront of general smark bitchery... but that only helped get the Net ready for what was to come.
Then CM Punk, resident Internet Mark DARLING CM Punk, was said to be in the WWE
Doghouse and was told, point blank by WWE Agent Arn Anderson that Bob Holly was a bigger star then him...
(which was funny because the Internet... the IWC... didn't know how to react... see, while the IWC LOVES CM Punk, we WORSHIP Arn Anderson! So we really can't trash Arn because... well... we JUST CAN'T... IT'S ARN!! BUT HE'S PISSING ON PUNK!! OH DEAR GOD, THE HEADS WERE EXPLODING FOR A WEEK ON THIS!!)
But that isn't what I want to talk about... Punk being in the WWE outs, was just the prime for the pump.
THEN... on no less then TWO message boards, a debate heated up over who is the better booker... ROH's Gabe Saplosky or TNA's Vince Russo.
DAVE MELTZER, of all people, showed up on one of these threads and declared Saplosky as the better booker.
But this isn't even about THAT... it's about a part of the argument WITHIN this argument that made me do a spittake.
First, someone said this:
Samoa Joe was made into a name in this country by his title reign in ROH, he was booked super strong, super well, and he in turn had brilliant title defences that helped put ROH on the map. To say ROH wasn't integral to Joe becoming the star he is today is a lie. There is a reason Gabe refers to him as the ROH Icon.
Then someone else said this:
Styles and Daniels were both becoming household names well before TNA. in fact, IIRC both were even on WCW TV well before TNA existed, and were recognized as among the best wrestlers this country had to offer.
THEN, someone said THIS:
Samoa Joe was already widely known nationally when he got to TNA. that's why he was booked how he was, until Angle came in. the same thing for CM Punk. he had BARELY been in the WWE when a packed Madison Square Garden was chanting his name loudly. both guys were established on the national stage well before their stints in TNA and the WWE, respectively.
So yeah, whenever an extended argument concerning ROH, CM Punk's name is ALWAYS brought up.
Anyway, I personally don't CARE who the better booker is (although its Saplosky, of the two)... but when reading this thread... and a few threads since... and a few threads about how good CM Punk is... AND the latest Meltzer Observer with the 2006 awards for best this, and that, and these, and those... I feel its time, before I leave, to clear up a few things that seems to be confusing some of you fans. The hardcore fans, I mean... because I KNOW there are people like me who flit around the web, check out wrestling sites and columns, but also have a foot solidly placed in real life...
So, for you hardcore Life Smarks out there... some sad truths...
-Samoa Joe is not a STAR! He is a WRESTLER on a low rated cable network that isn't WWE so no one really makes an effort to watch it.
-Samoa Joe is NOT a national "name". 999'999 people out of every million ON THE PLANET could not pick him out of a police lineup.
-Neither AJ Styles nor Chris Daniels are "household names"
-ROH is NOT making wrestlers rich.
-ROH is NOT a well known company.
-Who the FUCK would know about the Ring of Honor promotion if it wasn't for the Internet?
-NO ONE!!
-Of ALL the wrestlers in HISTORY... only a very small handful are really "Stars".... and most of them are gone, or semi-retired.
-You are not a "celebrity" when you are a successful pro wrestler. More people know who is the back-up right fielder of the Kansas City Royals then they know who Batista is
-Right now, the ONLY Professional Wrestler who has a chance at being a "household name" is "The Undertaker". Cena MIGHT be on his way but right now he's just the guy in that bad movie that no one went to who now does Subway commercials.
-ROH may routinely put on 4 hours a night of the greatest wrestling on the planet but they are putting it on for crowds of 75 people and selling DVDs of the events on the Internet that you have to actually go find ROH.com to buy. This makes them a profitable organization, but it doesn't make them wealthy.
-CM Punk made his Net Fame, by horseing around with moves he used to do in his backyard with friends, cutting promos that have no shot of EVER seeing the light of day on WWE TV, and catering you the Net by doing a blog.
-CM Punk is not that good a worker. He's doing mid-level spots in between selling.
-CM Punk was cheered out of the building in New York for his debut because the WWE gave him PLENTY of "I'm coming" quickie promos and debutting him in a town that ROH regularly runs shows out of JUST SO he can get a big face pop. All part of the plan, people.
-CM Punk is just original enough to make people keep an eye on him.
-CM Punk is also either too fat or too skinny or just too flabby to go much further than the mid-card.
-CM PUNK IS ONLY A SLIGHTLY BIGGER STAR THAN SAMOA JOE BECAUSE CM PUNK IS ON WWE TV!!!
-Despite Dave Meltzer's attempts to combine the two, UFC fighters are NOT professional wrestlers.
-Meltzer allowing UFC angles and fighters to be a part of the vote for the Observer 2006 awards is an insult to BOTH the fighters and the wrestlers. They are two completely different businesses.
-While there IS a level of respect on both sides, I highly doubt Tito Ortiz appreciates being lumped in with wrestlers for "Most Outstanding Athlete" or "Athlete of the Year", or "Storyline of the Year".
-The New Era of Mainstream is upon us... unfortunately, UFC is the promotion and sport that has the attention.
-UFC makes Wrestling look BAD... it's not right OR fair to try to attach wrestling as equal to the current UFC craze.
-The more people (who don't have TIME to watch every UFC and wrestling show out there) watch UFC, the less they will want to watch pro wrestling.
-UFC will ultimately remind people of just how FAKE wrestling really is... so PLEASE, don't put them together as equals.
That's basically it. A little wake-up call. Samoa Joe is NOT a star, a brand, or even famous... no one but really hardcore marks has ever heard of ROH, CM Punk is in the process of exposing himself as his WWE career marches on, and Tito Ortiz made more money in a year then 90% of the WWE locker room has made in five. And he doesn't tour. And he would punch you right in the face if you call what he does "Sports Entertainment".
Just because you live and breathe pro wrestling doesn't mean everyione else does, kids. Now please stop, you're embarrassing yourselves.
And... going hand in hand with this, and even WORSE case of hard-core life smarkism...
THE IWC'S DIRTY LITTLE (notsomuchofa) SECRET
If you want to know why this seems to be the end of the road for me... I mean, among a WHOLE SHITLOAD of reasons... then feast your eyes...
I found this post on the WrestlingClassics message board, which is pretty much the most serious-minded wrestling message board there is. No fighting, no trolling, good debates, serious historians, serious fans, and its the only board that Dave Meltzer routinely posts on.
The post is titled, "The Greatest Day in Comic Books History"
I'm really sick tonight, so I' ll try and make my post as short and 'uncluttered' as possible.
I thank you all for your time and patience.
Without getting too personal, some events have happened recently that have severely altered my life, perhaps not for the better, but I am a man and will face whatever I have to face.
Okay, here goes:
I titled this post "The Greatest Day in the history of Comics", which to most, will be something seemingly more than the 23 year wait I have so wantingly endured...the return of Marvel Comics' Captain Marvel.
If you'll allow me the few seconds of your time to truly read my post, I'd like to share a bit of myself.
My name is johnny xerO. I was a veeeerrry imaginitive child, some that know me say that I have a good heart and in many ways still am.
When I was a child I dreamt heavily of being a super hero, you know, you can laugh at this, it may be weird or whatever, I don't know, probably half crazy or something, but this is just something I wanted to share with you, and say what you will. I dreamt of righting all the wrongs in this world. I not only dreamt, but really believed someday I could do something, you know, be a real life super hero.
I begged my mother to sew me a costume from from her scrap material, one of red and blue. I used to jump off the top of our stairs and land on my belly if you can believe that, I guess for the thrill of that split scond of knowing what it would be like to fly. I would bruise myself and cry, like any kid of that age would, not understanding why I couldn't fly...lol. (Isn't that hilarious?)
What's even more hilarious is that I'd get right back up and do it again. They thought I was going to jump out of a window or something.
I had found an old box of comics in the garage, Batmans, Supermans, Captain Americas', Spidey's, Green Lanterns', The Avengers', The X-Men, and one called Captain Marvel Annual #1.
I can even remember the smell of the old pages of those books, and those heros, who tooks matters into their own hands and made the wrong things right. Please stay with me, understand
I was very very young, we're talking pre-kindergarten here possibly, I was considered a very gifter child and was reading full books at a very starngely young age.
I even went to the boardwalk at the beach with my father when he was still alive and stuffed my cape in the back of my jeans and my raggedy costume under my clothes, just waiting for evil-doers and a telephone booth. To make a long story short, I ran to one when I was saw one, announcing to the world my triumphany crusade, and then...
I got stuck in the telephone booth.
HAHAHA.
Later on in my life, I learned that real life heroes don't fly and wear flashy costumes, but they care, they put what they've got on the line for others.
Anyways, my favorite superhero was Captain Marvel. Not Shazam, not DC's, or the Fawcett original (whom I have no problem with), but the more unique and original Marvel version of Mar-Vell...Captain Mar-Vell, Captain Marvel.
I wrote and drew my own comics with my own charcaters, xeroxed at school to sell to get reese's cups and go the comic shop before practice, but I always wondered what happened to my favorite superhero. I'd run down to the local comic shop and the back issues I could afford,
I'd buy, reading every day.
Then they told me he was dead.
He had died of cancer, and that not only was he dead, but he was the first super hero to really really die and I couldn't read his books any more than the last 62 of them.
The Death of Captain Marvel by Jim Starlin was the very first Marvel graphic novel and to this day considered a very poignant story about accepting the finality of death and so forth, and there are those who say it's sheer blasphemy to undo such a great work.
Get out of my face, that's my favorite hero, my bit of fantasy escape from this crazy world, and I don't need to be reminded of life's finality there, isn't that the whole point of reading comics in the first place? I notice they never say that about their own faves.
They can bring back anyone, over and over again, but not the good Captain.
Hogwash, if you ask me.
Today, Marvel released "Civil War: The Return.", and it is the return of Captain Marvell. Mar-Vell. The Man.
For those of you who read, there has been some debate over who this was for some time on websites, conventions, what have you.
I highly reccomend checking it out, it even says says he's getting his own book.
I know I'm too old to read comics, I know this was a crazy cheesy post, but you know what? I don't care. It's given me hope in my own life.
Isn't that what super heros in the secret places of our minds are suppossed to do?
Say what you will, but thanks for listening.
Captain Marvel is back. We won.
From the screen name "Street Fighting Man"
...........
.... You see... I'm in my 30's, I remember the graphic novel when Captain Marvel died, which makes this guy AT LEAST my age...
I don't read comics anymore.
We won.
WE won.
Who the fuck is "we"? Nevermind, don't tell me.
On a WRESTLING BOARD....
It's bad enough I am doing this column and playing to an audience who's idea of fun is to post 150 messages a day about the how they got their hands on some tape from some indy fed out of Outer Mongolia and how some guy with too many cononants in his name has a slightly better workrate then Bryan Danielson in 2005 and that's how they spend their evening when there is no wrestling on TV and they already plowed through all of 24/7 for that month.
Now I find that there's a chance my audience is also taking COMIC BOOK STORYLINES AND CHARACTERS a little too seriously too.
No... NONONONO... I can't handle this anymore.
FIND INSPIRATION IN REAL LIFE, YOU STUPID TWATS!!!!!
You know, I knew all this, deep down, I knew all this years ago... but I wanted to see if things would improve if I just stuck it out... I wanted to see if the fans who were ten years younger when I started would somehow... I don't know... evolved a bit... isn't that what the Internet is supposed to do?
Nothing is evolving, nothing is improving. It's just getting worse.
And the quality of the sport hasn't done much improving either. Wouldn't say it's getting WORSE... it's just stagnating.
We won... what did we win?
Fucking Captain Marvel. Stop the world, I want to get off.
Now, if they brought back Barry Allen... NOW we're cooking!
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
He knew the VKM gimmick would disrupt the marks, that's why he allowed it to go on.
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*On February 18, 1979 the Sahara desert got its first and only recorded snowstorm.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
Global warming my HEINY!!
I WISH I SAID IT FIRST
Anyway... sometime over the last few weeks, I picked up a book filled with thousands of quotes, zingers, one-liners, and wisecracks from famous people. It's a really sweet time killer and I thought I'd share a few samples. Simple and amusing... the way I like things around these parts...
According to Wikipedia; John Barrymore (February 14, 1882 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – May 29, 1942 in Los Angeles, California), was an American actor. He gained fame as a Shakespearean, lauded for his Hamlet and for his Richard III, and was frequently regarded as the greatest actor of his generation. He was the grandfather of Drew Barrymore and brother of Lionel Barrymore and Ethel Barrymore.
So, he's a classic snobby broadway actor... AWESOME.
Anyway, What did John Barrymore think of...
-Americans? - "America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirins and use it up in two weeks."
-Love? - "Love... the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock."
-Acting? - "My only regret in the theatre is that I could never sit out front and watch me."
-U.S. President Woodrow Wilson? - "He neither drank, smoked, nor rode a bicycle. Living frugally, saving his money, he died early, surrounded by greedy relatives. It was a great lesson to me."
-Katherine Hepburn - "Thank God I don't have to act with you anymore."
John Barrymore - "I never realised that you had, darlin'"
-Regrets? - "A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams."
-Ex-Wives? - "I never knew how short a month was until I started paying alimony."
See, people were sort'a COOL 100 years ago!
Heh... catty...
THE SMACKDOWN MOP-UP
Well!! Why not?? I'll get to Impact next week.
-WWE Opening. Fast shot of Trish in a purple outfit. She sorta looks fat in that thing... SUBTLE BURIAL!!!
-Video montage showing why Mr. Kennedy gets to put over Batista at the Royal Rumble and why the Undertaker DOESN'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!!! (oy)
-Smackdown opening. I miss the "Beautiful People" opener, when they had all those close-ups in dark-light and shadows and DDP was in it and DDP looked about 100 years old and so, so tired... bang
-Michael Cole and JBL welcome us to Mobile, Alabama. JBL says he plans on paying homage the town later tonight by raping the Miz in the shower with a empty bottle of Bud Light. Cole did one of his forced laughs and said, "HA HA you're too much!!."
-Should news ever come out that Michael Cole has a habit of working his shows with a shaved, greased up hamster rummaging around in his tuckus I don't think ANYONE will be that surprised.
-Batista comes ROARING OUT... stopping briefly to squat and simulate taking a dump while reading the newspaper. (It's a big dump too... a body clearing evacuation... so hard that he moans and shakes the paper! I LOVE those dumps.)
-Gregory Helms came out with a microphone in hand, because we just can't get ENOUGH promos from people with that funky North Cackalacki inbred accent.
-Helms paused midway to the ring to answer a few letters from his MySpace account. He's the most MySpace-over wrestler ALIVE!!!! Then Helms held up the mic and said, "BETEESTA!!! IT AIN'T THE SIZE OF THE DOG IN THE FIGHT!! IT'S THE SIZE OF THE FIGHT IN THE DOG!!!" Then EXPLODED into the ring!! IT'S THE WWE'S VERSION OF "RUDY"!! HELMS IS GONNA UPSET THE CHAMP!!!
-Gregory Helms looks like he fell off the ugly tree and hiot every limb on the way down, then got up, climbed back up, and fell AGAIN!! I haven't seen eyes that beady since my last girlfriend tried to look at my penis without a magnifying glass.
-He hit Batista with the Shining Wizard and broke 3 of his toes. But HE did give Batista a good chuckle, "Ha! You and that Indy crap! Gettadahere kid!"
-Squash match. Helms later ran to his MySpace and reported what an HONOR it was to work with the Animal and how GREAT life is in the WWE... AND IF YOUR NAME AIN'T ON HELMS MYSPACE PAGE, THEN YOU AIN'T A REAL WWE MYSPACER!!!
-MySpace.... for chrissakes why? Your lives aren't that important.
-One thing about me... I'll NEVER MySpace and the only thing CLOSE to a Blog I'll have is this, and there won't be exactly a FLOOD of daily material there after I bail.
-The World Champ destroys the Chooserweight champ and the net ERUPTS in outrage. JBL can barely hide his giggling.
-Batista shakes the ropes in triumph and rips 19 muscles in his arms alone. That'll teach hikm to be so RECKLESS with the rope shaking!
-commercials
-Cole and Gerble say that the main event tonight will be a mini-Royal Rumble featuring stars who have to wrestle an elimination tourney tonight in order to participate in the mini-Royal Rumble... which has nothing really special for the winner except PRIDE AND MOMENTUM!!!!!!!
-Chris Benoit comes out. One thing about this guy I always liked is that he patiently spent his career saying, "Fuck promos, fuck gimmicks, I just want to WRESTLE" and the WWE simply shrugged and said, "Okay... we'll make you a name brand anyway!"
-The Miz came out. I predict he'll be fired in the next mass lay-off. Then its back to Reality TV shows!
-The Miz WAS funny as the fat white guy on that Chappelle Show "Real World" spoof... like when the blacks stole his white girlfriend! And that, like, ALWAYS happens!!
-This 2 minute match was stretched to five... only because Benoit felt like chopping the Miz an extra 25 times. JBL had very little to say about the Miz... which I LOVE because they probably told him to chill out with the constant burial of the guy so he just said, "Well, I ain't gonna put him OVER!! So I'll just check my stocks while he's in there!!"
-Some day laborer backstage gets verbally abused by Deuce and Domino and Cherry... It is currently 2007... this gimmick is based on young troublemakers from the 1950's. The head booker of SD is 50 + year old Michael Hayes. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAS MADE NICK AT NIGHT THEIR PERMANENT NIGHTLY VIEWING!!!!!! LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS REMEMBERING THE GOOD OL' DAYS!!
-commercials. Some nights the CW is the "urban" channel... other days it's for the whitebread working class.... PICK THE WRONG NIGHT AND YOU'LL BE TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE!!!!!!!
-Some girl welcomes us to Smackdown. She is wearing something frilly and is being all sexy-like. The entire audience can watch hardcore porn either on TV or on the Internet within 30 seconds from anytime day or night yet the WWE continues to think they can titilate the viewer with this.
-Deuce & Domino come out with Cherry. Yep, someone's been watching old Happy Days reruns! SOMEONE THINKS A SHORT JEW WHO STAYS UP ALL NIGHT TO WIN A DANCE CONTEST FOR SHORTCAKE IS STILL COOL!!!!!
-That boot to the face finisher is SICK... do they even still SELL brill cream anymore?
-You know, if they wanted an Andrew "Dice" Clay character, why not call the real deal... he would'a signed! His promos would'a rocked, too... "Hickory dickory dock... Batista can suck my AGGIGGIGGOOOO", "Little Miss Jillian, sat on her jiggly-in, eating her curds and whey... along came a spider who say down beside her and say HEY, WHAT'S IN THE BOWL... BITCH!! OOOOOOH!" ; "Ashley and London went up a hill, each with a buck and a quarter... Ashley came down with TWO-FIFTY OOOOH!!! THE HUWAA!!!"
-I see them adding a THIRD 50's greaser in this crew in about 6 months... this one will be called "The Big Ragu" and when he wrestles, he SINGS SHOWTUNES!!!
-MVP whined to Theodore Long in his GM Office (with the portrait of Vince ALWAYS in the background) about fighting Kane tonight with burns on his back. Theo reminded him that they were in Mobile Alabama... "Most of the black folks over 50 in this state have burns on dere backs, playa!" MVP couldn't argue with this logic.
-commercials
-Fit Finlay LOVES to fight... well, except for fighting the urge to hit every Pastry shop he passes by... that's a big ass belly right there!!
-King Booker comes out with the Missus. The Alabama crowd starts knotting up their nooses. QUICK, SOMEONE CALL GENE HACKMAN!!!
-The Missus is on color commentary... until the midget chases her and tries to drag her under the ring... which leads to a countout or maybe a DQ. This whole ordeal took about 5 minutes... which was hardly enough time for Finlay to work STIFF!!!
-JBL cited this as an example of the INTENSITY that Smackdown is bringing to the Royal Rumble. I cite this as an example of the LOW BUYRATES that stand alone Smackdown PPVs get.
-It's the REUNITED MNM vs London and Kendrick and Ashley! TITS AND LITTLE GUYS!!! YOU'RE HOME ALONE OF FRIDAY NIGHT WATCHING THIS!!! Hayes does know his audience!
-Commercials
-Out comes MNM... Nitro has a look on his face that says, "I'm fucking a half-simian and they won't let me get away from this jobber!! JESUS H, THIS SUCKS!"
-Out RUNS London and Kendrick and Ashley. I'm getting tired of Ashley's "I'm scrunching my face up because I'm really a tomboy" look. I bet she hates blowjobs but loves it in the seat... just my guess...
-How do you know its love? When she lets you stick it in her mouth AFTER pulling it out of the ol' stink star. Ahh, I miss my Mom.
-Joey Mercury was wearing a Face mask because having his face busted in 22 places WILL NOT KEEP DOWN HIS THIRST TO COMPETE!!! (and NOT because he works for a souless, corporate entity who will fire him on the spot if he doesn't rush back to the ring even though he did time in rehab for painkiller and other evil substances so he's only getting by on prayer and a shitload of Tylenol).
-At some point in this match, Melina SHRIEKED... about a dozen monkeys at the closest zoo started frantically swinging from their branches and rubbing their genitalia! True Love beckons.
-MNM won... London spent most of the match looking for a way to sneak in some suicidal death spot that the Indy fans LOVE... he was denied. Damn you, Vince. LET THE KID FLY!!! LET HIM FLY!!!!!!!!!!
-Now, this Melina... you KNOW she'll do the ass to mouth combo... but you have to spend SO MUCH MONEY on her before and after... plus there is the pleasure of watching her wax her mustache.... yeeeesh
-commercials
-The second hour arrives as does Mr. Kennedy AS DOES a big replay of the video montage we got at the beginning of the night.
-Kennedy does a promo about how he's gonna win it all and blah, blah, blah... then Batista comes out and DEMANDS that Kennedy hits him. JBL compares this to Beau Jack vs Bob Montgomery! "IT'S HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF, MA-CHAEL!!" screamed JBL. Cole responds, "Beau WHO? Just how old ARE YOU, JOHN???"
-As he slapped himself in the face, DEMANDING to be hit, 'Tista tore 19 muscles in his forearm. That'll teach him to go crazy with the self-abuse like that!
-Kennedy winds up to hit the ANIMAL... but the lights dim... then the Undertaker is there. Fans scream! 'Taker boots Batista square in the face as Kennedy ducked. Kennedy ran. Batista shook his head and wondered how much cock he needs to suck to get back on Raw... JBL said this reminded him of the World Welterweight Title bout between Young Corbett III and Jimmy McLarnin in 1933. "It's THE SAME DAMN SET-UP, MA-CHAEL!!" Cole openly begged for the "short little fat wop" to come back.
-commercials
-That chick is lying in bed and informing us that we are still watching Smackdown. In ONE DAMN HOUR, CINEMAX BECOMES SKINEMAX WITH ENOUGH SOFTCORE FLUFF TO PRODUCE A PINT OF SEMEN FROM EVEN THE MOST JADED OF PENISES!! JESUS, MAN!!
-Michael Cole lets Vladimir Koslov announce that he'll be at the Royal Rumble and he's gonna WIN!! But he doesn't know which brand he'll be blowing moves left and right for yet. It is 2007 and they are still going to do the "Evil Russian Cold War Super-Athlete" gimmick. Who wll play the "Rocky" role and will they film him training in the snow and running up mountains and screaming, "KOSLOOOOOOV!!!!"
-Teddy Long speaks to Krystal AND Vickie Guerrerro about nothing in particular. I smell a 19 week-long ANGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I don't mind the double-chin. I don't mind the roughed up face, I don't mind the flabby booty, but could SOMEONE PLEASE direct Mrs Guerrerro to a responsible hair stylist... PLEASE!! Can't they do a cross promotion with one of those "Queer Eye" fags or something??
-Kane once eliminated 11 men in ONE Royal Rumble! We are reminded of this. Kane once showed up for the premiere of his BIG TIME HOLLYWOOD MOVIE shirtless and looking as miserable as one could look when asked to show up for his biggest career moment looking like a moron. I am reminding you of this. Now point and laugh.
-commercials
-We are reminded of the PPV where MVP's back was set on fire and he RAN AND RAN AND RAN... the Alabama crowd EXPLODED in cheers. Michael Hayes must've been hollering, "YEEEEHAW" when he wrote up this spot.
-You know... this image... a black guy running around all crazy with his ass on fire.... it's... well... its why SOME people call firecrackers "Ni**er Chasers"... just saying... Barack Oboma's gonna put a STOP to this in 2 years... just you wait!
-Nice thing about having our first black president... playing grab ass with fat, white Interns will be EXPECTED!!
-Kane stomped out... it would not surprise me if he likes fat chicks. Seems the type.
-MVP struts out.... it would not surprise me if he likes fat white chicks either.
-I now references fat white chicks in three "-" IN A ROW!! A MOP-UP FIRST!!
-MVP offers Kane... SOMETHING... in exchange for skipping this fight... my guess would be crack! Kane says, "I'll just jack you for it later" and slugs him. Alabama elects Kane new Governor right on the spot.
-Kane kicks the poor shnook around. JBL calls MVP a "true champion" and said that this reminded him of Jack Johnson vs Tommy Burns for the World Heavyweight Championship in 1908. "NO ONE THOUGHT THE DARKIE HAD A CHANCE BACK THEN EITHER, MA-CHAEL!!" blustered, JBL.
-MVP used a chair and was DQed. He then pulled out a gas can and prepared to use it on Kane. Kane kicked it out of the way and it FLEW and was obviously empty... which is about the time I gave up on this show.
-commercials
-Six men fought in a mini-battle royal and none of them won. Instead, it was the Undertaker who showed up and cleaned house and won... then he screamed and did his thing. I'll tell ya, when he's on his game he is ON... JBL screamed about how this reminded him of the time the Caveman fought the T-Rex and the Wooly Mammoth, and the Saber Tooth Tiger, and the Placoderm in a GIANT free-for-all somewhere in the Netherlands. "IT'S JUST AS INTENSE, MA-CHAEL!!"
-The show ends.
And THAT is why I can't Mop-Up more than one hour anymore... whoo... WEEE
Anyway, I was about to pack it in for the week, but guess who came through in a PINCH...
AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC
So, as you may or may not know, a few years ago I had Tammy Sytch write for me, in this column. Turns out I was HOODWINKED...
Well... a few weeks later someone must have taken pity on me because I was online one day when… all of the sudden, out of nowhere, I get THIS IM:
WWEVinMac: I wanna be in your column
Hyatte1com: And you are?
WWEVinMac: Vince McMahon. THE Vince McMahon
Of course, I was careful. You only fool me ONCE, god dammit! So, I asked him a bunch of questions only the TRUE Vince would know and he answered one or two of them before getting irritated and saying: WWEVinMac: Look, it’s me! Now either let me send you something for your column on a regular basis or I’ll find some OTHER asshole to make famous!!
And then, history was made as Vince McMahon made his Internet Writing debut... in my column!
He contributed a few more as the years went by, then vanished once I left Inside Pulse.
Well, he recently wrote to me, asked if I really was quitting, and offered to submit something one last time.
Apparently, he followed me to DOI and has been checking me, and the site out for the past year and 4 months... he just hasn't had anything to say, until now...
So, without further adieu, I am proud to present, EXCLUSIVELY to the Midnight News:
An Attack from the McMac: by Vincent Kennedy McMahon
My Declaration to the Independents
Greetings, my little ATM machines,
I've taken it upon myself to dictate this last missive to my executive assistant, Julianne. It appears that this, what you half-wits would call a "writer", is calling it quits after ten years of lazy hackwork. Since I find him rather, charming after a sense, I decided to honor him with one more essay for his column. Let it not be said that I have forgotten the fans. Indeed, as this very writing clearly shows, I embrace you all; even, and perhaps especially, the simple ones.
Now I must admit to being intriqued by the notion of speaking directly to an audience filled with Independent Wrestlers. Yes, I use the term "Wrestler" and not the more proper "Sports Entertainer" or even more proper "Rassler". I use it because at this level - the lowest possible rung of the sports entertainment ladder - you are not yet qualified to even consider yourself a "Sports Entertainer" nor are you misguided enough to refer to yourself as a "rassler". You are children, infants with no hopeful clue or idea as to the riches that could await you. You have hardly left your mother's protective tit, so to speak, much less learned to walk, then run down the path and up the ladder to the very pinnacle of what I call Sports Entertainment. You are blobs of clay, clumsily being molded by the hands of imbeciles. It is here, in the land of Independents, where the very core of who you are is being defined. Many of you will not get past this stage. Many of you will flounder like a crippled tadpole in the muck of some gym booker's seminal outpour. Many of you deserve to go no further than here in Independent-Land, for you are truthful idiots, pure and simple. You breathe my air and I hate you for it. I have built a complete and self-living empire on a dream and a blueprint that many, many pond sewage small-time promoters detest and abhor. They are the ones who you have turned to to help you live your dream and I have neither the time nor the inclination to clean out the poison that they have instilled in you. I am not your father. Stay away from me and stick with your twenty dollar an hour high school gym pay-offs.
But for those who have managed to salvage your souls from the influence of these greasy rent-a-promoters, for those who have their eye on the path to Sports Entertainment, for those who see the tragedy that is the "good ol' boy" southern style of "rasslin" that continues to infect my business like a viral, malignant tumor for what it is. I would like to share with you some vital bits of advice for you to take closely into your breast. Listen carefully to me now.
You are nothing. You are empty vessels. You are kids pretending to be men. You are chunks of feces floating in a all-night diner stall. You are too skinny, too fat, too useless, too ugly, too pale, too lazy, too careless, and too worthless to be in my business. Leave now. You are wasting my time. Even dictating this is a waste of my time and Julianne's time as well. You will never make it, no matter how hard you try, you will never, ever make it. Ever. Go back to cleaning out same sex pornographic video stalls with that fat loser with the blue hair. Let someone with perhaps a hint of talent take your spot. Please, for all of our sakes, get out of my business. You do not belong. You won't last. You don't have what it takes.
Or stick it out. Suck in that flabby gut and plod on. Build yourself an impressive series of matches. Tape them all. Take the three best ones, out of one hundred, and send them to me. Show me some grit. Show me the barest spark of something, anything. Please.
The WWE receives upwards of thousands of videotapes every damnable week and they are all filled with prattling porkpies who rummage about the ring with all the grace and skill of a retarded Rhynosaurus - (I spelled that word properly, laugh out loud), but every so often, we receive a tape of some child with a purity in his heart and an originality in his work. To me, its like finding a long lost hundred dollar bill crumpled and hiding in the darkest corner of my sock drawer. I pull it out and find ways to turn it into a stack of hundreds, then turn the stack into a mountain, then throw it into the pile. Are you that crumpled hundred dollar bill? Do you have the ability to become a stack of hundreds? Are you sure?
You better be, because I am wealthy enough that it's not worth my time to pick up the hundred dollar bill and not have it do anything.
And if I pull you out, I'm going to break you of every bad habit, every lousy bit of wrestling knowledge you learned from these poor, god forsaken Independent promoters who understand less about making money then a common paperboy. I am going to sift the Independence right out of you and build you from the ground up. Everything you think you know will be erased. Everything you think you can do will be ground down into paste and regurgitated out of your system by my hand.
Be ready.
And when it's over, you could be the next Masterpiece. Or the next Eugene. Or the next MVP.
In the meantime, I suggest you prepare by adhering to the following:
-Push yourself. Go the distance. When you can't run another step, bare your teeth and go for another five miles. When yoiu can't lift another rep, shut your eyes and lift another twenty. It's all mental control. Use your minds and force yourselves. Sports Entertainers are characters, larger than life and role models. We are not just heroes, we are Super Heroes. Look the part accordingly.
-Tan yourself. I have no need for pasty, pale, morbidly death-like flabby bodies. We have enough of those in every building we work at. They are sitting in the seats and they are handing their money over to us by the fistful. Do you want to empty your wallet or fill it up? The cook yourself into a fine, golden, gleaming creature.
-Pull out your teeth and have bright white ones put in. If you want to keep those greasy, yellow, decaying tombstones in your head, then go back to your job wiping down cars at your Uncle's car wash. Grotesque teeth frighten children and sicken me.
-Stay clean. No drugs and no steroids. My Sports Entertainers practice clean living and healthy lifestyles. We have a policy that ensures this. If they can do it, you can too, or you shouldn't be vying for my attention.
-Stay single. Wives are nothing but trouble, especially for me. You are free to have as many bastard children as you wish, however. The more open mouths you need to stuff with food, the harder you will work.
-WWE Divas are not there for your pleasure. They are there for the marks. If you end up sleeping with one of them, please do so with the utmost discretion. Of course, this is if you make it far enough into my company so that you will have an opportunity to work with them.
-I expect you to live, breathe, eat, sleep, and exist solely for the WWE. Period.
There it is. I have provided the basic building blocks, simple enough so a child of two can figure out. The rest is up to you.
I fully expect that none of you Independent wrestlers are up for the challenge. In fact, I trust that you will all fail, and not even with a grand explosion. You will just wither away and die like a weed in the winter.
In closing, let me thank you all for a very profitable 2006. Many of you fans spent a great deal of money on the WWE. I thank you for it. Not enough of you did, however. Try to make up for it this year. Or I'll start looking at that pedofiles' little DVD upstart company and gut them of all their talent. After I'm done, "Ring of Honor" will have to rename itself "Ring of where did my wrestlers go?"
This is my world, you insipid little monkeys, I only allow these Independents to exist because
I'm too busy to care.
And good luck to Mr. Hyatte. I'm sure once he's through with this column of his and focuses on a real life, he'll be promoted to Head Custodian on no time.
Oh, and that was not Trish you were talking to. Not ever. You belong here in Independent-Land. Imbecile.
And that's my Attack
****
He asked not to have his e-mail posted. He doesn't want to hear from any of you.
Well, whoa... that was quite an honor... and a bit painful... he doesn't mince words, does he.
YES, THIS WAS REALLY HIM!! SORRY, BUT HE'S A FAN OF MINE!! Sort of...
So, I'm done for the week... Next week... wow... end of an era. Whom do I trash? What secrets do I reveal? What stories do I have to share? Who gets thrown under the bus for mistreating ME!!
Plus the last Carnac, the LAST book thingy (a WRESTLING book), the last Mop-Up....
And I guess we have one more of those talks.
It's a ten year long trip, folks... I drove, let people out, let people on, but never rode alone.
Do me the honor of showing up at the finish line.
01
This is Hyatte